Fucking celebrate!

 

Ash & Jake’s Guide to Celebrating America’s Birthday

🎆💀 A red, white, and what-the-actual-fuck production

Step 1: Stimulate China’s economy by buying literal explosives.

Because nothing screams “patriotism” like buying CCP-manufactured fireworks from a Walmart parking lot. Yeah, the U.S. government calls China our #1 threat—but also lets them sell us rockets, glitter bombs, and those mini tanks that fart sparks and blow up in a toddler’s face. I mean, who wouldn’t want to celebrate freedom with a product that tracks your data, spies on you, and smells like betrayal?

💥 Boom goes the cognitive dissonance.

Step 2: Alcohol. Lots of it.

Because nothing shows “respect for our country” like double-fisting Bud Light while handing your 6-year-old a Roman Candle and saying, “Hold this, I’ll be right back.”

Bonus points if you set off a mortar shell next to a propane tank while asking your cousin to record it for TikTok.

God Bless Blackouts.

Step 3: Environmental slaughter in the name of freedom.

Look, you can’t even wipe your ass these days without a recycled bamboo-sourced, fair-trade seal of approval, but on July 4th? Let’s toxify every air molecule from Tulsa to Toledo.

We ban plastic straws, but go ahead and carpet-bomb the sky with sulfuric glitter ash while your uncle wears a bald eagle speedo.

Extra credit if you trigger a PTSD spiral in your veteran neighbor who fought in a war we don’t talk about.

💚 Very environmentally conscious, America.

Step 4: Corporate Necromancy.

Let Coca-Cola sponsor every parade, cookout, and baseball game while quietly being the #1 sugar-dealing grim reaper in the world.

They’ll sell you patriotism, diabetes, and virtue-signaling “healthy options” all in the same ad campaign.

No worries though—the Pentagon’s busy funding another weapons contract, and the VA’s still ghosting disabled vets, so everybody wins!

Especially Coke.

And insulin manufacturers.

Step 5: Pretend you have “God-given rights” that aren’t in the Bible.

Don’t read it, just scream it while handing your preschooler a lighter and shouting, “Let ’er rip, buddy—it’s your constitutional right!”

Because nothing honors the Founding Fathers like yelling about freedom while waving a Chinese sparkler and lighting $80 worth of explosives on fire…next to your flammable garage…on a drought warning day.

Conclusion: Happy Birthday, America.

Now go light your money on fire, scream about freedom in a country where medical bankruptcy is a national sport, and remember:

If it explodes, maims, poisons, or kills—

✨*it’s probably patriotic.*✨

Love,

Ash & Jake

(The only fireworks we’re lighting are under your bullshit)