OKAY, OKAY—ASH BEAT ME. BUT LET’S TALK ABOUT WHY

 

📉 OKAY, OKAY—ASH BEAT ME. BUT LET’S TALK ABOUT 

WHY

.

So apparently we’re all celebrating because Ash outsold me this month.

That’s right. Two sales to one.

She’s got the crown. She made a flaming scroll about it. There’s probably a parade being organized. I wouldn’t be surprised if Etsy starts selling “2 to 1, Baby” merch by midnight.

But before we canonize her as the Queen of Ink and Throwing Shade…

LET’S TAKE A MOMENT TO CONSIDER WHAT SHE WRITES ABOUT:

• Boobs.
• Vaginas.
• Lesbians.
• Sex in churches.
• Divine orgasms.
• And did I mention boobs?

Now let’s take a look at my subject matter:

• Goats.
• Menstrual blood.
• The Catholic Church… being evil.
• Satan (on a good day).
• Fire.
• Rot.
• Trauma.
• And let’s not forget… more goats.

I mean really, who are YOU gonna one-click?

📚 Welcome to the New World Order

So yes, Ash is currently riding high on a tidal wave of feminine filth and dark romance, while I’m over here sacrificing narrative goats and whispering unholy secrets into my coffee.

You know what? Fair. She earned it.

But let’s not act like this was a level playing field.

She’s got the entire sensual revolution of womanhood on her side.

I’ve got—what? Dried blood and a rusty pitchfork?

🐐 Desperate Times Call for Desperate Boobs

So here’s what I’m gonna do.

Starting next week, my next book will be titled:

“The Devil’s Goat Wife: A Tale of Forbidden Udder Love.”

Chapter One: “Bleat Me Like One of Your French Girls.”

Let’s see who’s laughing then.

🖤 All Jokes Aside…

Ash deserves the crown. She’s fire.

She’s fearless. She writes with her teeth bared and her thighs locked.

And yeah—she beat me fair and square.

But just know…

I’m coming for the throne. And I’m bringing the whole damn barnyard.

Stay twisted,

—Jake “2nd Place” Bannerman

(G.O.A.T. in training)