INTERLUDE: YELP REVIEWS OF SERIAL KILLERS
Filed under: Customer Feedback, Spirit Box
Complaints, and Homicide Hospitality
Ted Bundy – ★★☆☆☆
“Looked decent in photos but lacked originality. Every time he opened his
mouth, I wanted to crawl back into my grave. Bonus star because he returned to
the crime scene. Dedication counts.”
– Headless in Washington
Dennis Rader (BTK) – ★☆☆☆☆
“Promised bondage. Delivered khakis.
Tried to mansplain his own arrest to the cops.
Would not bind, torture, or kill again.”
– Disappointed and Dismembered
Jeffrey Dahmer – ★★★☆☆
“Would have been a five-star experience if I hadn’t ended up in the fridge.
Very quiet, decent music taste. Lost points for lack of seasoning.”
– Leftovers
Aileen Wuornos – ★★★★☆
“Didn’t fake niceness. Didn’t waste time. Straight to the point and
unapologetic.
Docked one star for the Florida humidity.”
– Dead but Empowered
John Wayne Gacy – ★☆☆☆☆
“Would NOT recommend for children’s parties. Laughed once. Cried twice. Died
beneath a floorboard. Also, the face paint was sloppy.”
– Not a Fan of Clowns
Richard Ramirez – ★☆☆☆☆
“Smelled like despair and hot coins. Claimed to be Satanic but played no
metal during the murder. Talked about himself the whole time. Still coughing
from the BO.”
– Would Not Stalk Again
Ed Gein – ★★☆☆☆
“Farm-to-table, sure. But creepy ambiance.
The lighting was soft, but that might’ve been from the nipple lamp.
At least he knew how to decorate.”
– HGTV: Human Gore and Taxidermy Vision
Jim Jones – ★☆☆☆☆
“Came for community, left in a body bag.
Sermons were long. Punch was disappointing. Jungle accommodations lacked Wi-Fi.
Zero stars if you don’t like cyanide.”
– Dead in Guyana
Charles Manson – ★★☆☆☆
“Super into himself. Guitar skills overrated.
Kept yelling about pigs and race wars.
Nice hair though.”
– Wanted to Leave but Didn’t Have a Ride
You – ★☆☆☆☆
“Came quickly. Left no survivors.
Didn’t even cuddle after.
All potential erased in 46 seconds.
At least light a candle next time.”
– Your Sperm
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