DEAD RIVER – The Has-Beens Who Never Were

 

COMING (BACK) SOON TO A TRUCK STOP NEAR YOUR REGRET:

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💀 DEAD RIVER – The Has-Beens Who Never Were

THE OFFICIAL ALBUM. YES. AN ACTUAL CD. EVEN A CASSETTE.
Because vinyl is for hipsters and streaming is for cowards.

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🧨 LIMITED EDITION REISSUE INCLUDES:

• CD version: Packaged in a jewel case cracked from Wes throwing it at a raccoon.

• Cassette edition: Plays slightly warped just like your memory of the 90s.

• Bonus: Fold-out liner notes written in JD’s handwriting and spilled chili.

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🎵 FEATURING TRACKS LIKE:

• “Cry A Match” – For when your lighter won't work but your tears will.

• “Scary” – A love letter to every girl who said “Umm… no thanks.”

• “Mom” – Because sometimes the only person who clapped was your mother. In 2002. At an Applebee’s.

• (And yes, more tracks are coming. Roy’s mixing them between existential crises and his job at OfficeMax.)

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🚬 EVERY PHYSICAL COPY COMES WITH:

• A Lucy’s Pizza napkin used during the 1998 “Almost Got Signed” Tour

• A smell that’s legally classified as “Post-Show Damp + Axe Body Spray”

• A fake backstage pass from Touché (the strip club, not the fencing academy)

• A handwritten apology from Wes for the Florida Surfboard Incident™

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💰 PRICE:

$17.98 + your dignity.
Shipping not included. Emotional damage is.

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👎 NOT STREAMING. NOT AVAILABLE AT GUITAR CENTER.

Not because we’re cool. Because no one would take us.

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🔥 PRE-ORDER NOW.

First 50 cassette buyers get a Victoria’s Secret bra and a half-smoked Marlboro signed by “maybe” Clay.

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DEAD RIVER FOREVER.

Louder than your stepdad’s mixtape. Sadder than your prom playlist.
This ain’t nostalgia.
It’s a resurrection soaked in piss, chili, and cheap eyeliner.