Inspired by: Saw

 Splatgetti Bolognese

Inspired by: Saw

You want to play a game? Try eating this blood-slick, meat-free bolognese without flinching. It’s red, ruthless, and comes with enough twisted flavor to make Jigsaw proud. Bonus: zero animal torture. Unless you count yourself.

Ingredients

• 1 box spaghetti (boiled like a failed trap victim)
  
  
• 1 tbsp olive oil
  
  
• 1/2 onion, minced (like your regrets)
  
  
• 3 cloves garlic (smashed for good measure)
  
  
• 1 can crushed tomatoes (blood substitute)
  
  
• 1/2 cup red wine (for the pain)
  
  
• 1 tbsp tomato paste (for depth… and despair)
  
  
• 1 tsp dried basil, oregano, and thyme (dried herbs of vengeance)
  
  
• Salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes to taste
  
  
• Optional: crumbled plant-based sausage (for texture and torment)
  
  

Instructions

1. In a large pan, heat oil and sauté onion and garlic until golden and guilty.
   
   
2. Add tomato paste and cook for 1 minute. Stir in tomatoes, wine, and herbs. Simmer while contemplating life choices.
   
   
3. Boil pasta in salted water. Drain when al dente (or just before the scream).
   
   
4. Combine sauce and pasta. Plate in a spiral… like the puppet’s cheek.
   
   
5. Serve with a whisper: “Live or die… make your choice.”
   
   

Kill Count: 2 limbs, 1 conscience

Scream Time: 35 minutes

Survivability Rating: 2/5 skulls – Not everyone deserves a second plate.