GIRTH RUINED THE EARTH

 

GIRTH RUINED THE EARTH

(The Gospel According to Dick-Sized Warfare and Biblical Bullshit)

Let’s get one thing straight—

Whether you’re a cross-waving Jesus freak or just a casual apocalypse tourist, have you ever stopped to ask:

Why the hell do we worship the worst day of the guy’s life with jewelry?

If I were Jesus, I’d be like: “Can you not immortalize the execution device, please? That day kinda sucked.”

Anyway. Back to the beginning.

Eve. The apple. The serpent. You know the story. Except:

🟠 It wasn’t an apple.

🟠 The snake? Let’s call it what it was—a talking dick with eyes.

🟠 Devil dick. Literally.

And what does the devil do?

He seduces the woman. She eats the fruit. She seduces Adam.

Suddenly the leaves fall, they feel shame, and boom—sin is born.

But here’s the thing nobody talks about:

God’s supposed to be all-knowing.

He knew they’d eat it.

He designed the snake.

He wrote the rulebook.

So what was this? A setup?

Fast forward a few thousand years and now we’re worshipping bombs, bananas, and ballistic missiles—all shaped like dicks. Even Korean missiles are called DONGS. You can’t make this up.

White dudes obsessed with proving whose dick is biggest.

Missiles. Rockets. Colonization.

Hell, we hired Nazis to help us reach the moon—because clearly, outer space dick-measuring was urgent.

So here’s my theory:

Racism didn’t start with hate. It started with jealousy.

Some white dude got told his wife had better sex with a Black man—and the entire system was born from wounded pride and a panic boner.

We’re not fighting over land. Or justice.

We’re still fighting over dick envy and divine gaslighting.

Welcome to Earth.

backlash…..

• ⚠️ Religious folks: They’ll call it blasphemy. Good.
• ⚠️ Racists: They’ll pretend to be offended by “tone” while clutching their little tiki torches.
• ⚠️ Self-righteous readers: They’ll accuse you of being vulgar instead of asking why we normalize dick-shaped warheads and crucifix necklaces.